Why ‘Being Assertive’ Doesn’t Mean What You Think
Worried about being labeled as aggressive? Here is what healthy assertiveness looks like and how it can improve your relationships.
This post was originally posted on Medium.
Have you ever worried about being labeled as “too assertive” when standing up for yourself? Even worse, we may avoid expressing ourselves altogether because we fear being called overpowering, aggressive, or pushy. This is where the concept of assertiveness is often misunderstood.
In fact, assertiveness is an empowering way of communicating thoughts, feelings, and needs, in a respectful, clear, and calm manner while also offering the potential to improve our relationships, boost our self-confidence, and support productive conflict. Assertiveness may actually the most important communication skill in our day to day lives.
Assertiveness ≠ Overpowering.
The goal of communicating assertively is to get *your* points across in a calm and respectful manner — and it is the opposite of being aggressive. According to the clinical psychologist Randy J. Paterson related beliefs include that we are only in control and responsible for our own behavior and not that of others, nor are we in full control of all outcomes. This is important as our level of stress — which can negatively impact our communication — is determined by how much we feel the need to control a situation around us. Further beliefs include that communication, including posing questions to each other, is a two-way street, and that there is no need for justification. Assertive communication also helps us control anger and reduce conflicts.
Assertiveness empowers everyone in the conversation.
Counter to the negative connotation, when communicating assertively, all participants’ needs are considered equal, and everyone’s perspective is heard. Indeed, the objective of the conversation is to understand. Assertiveness demonstrates empathy and care. It is also not about demanding from, or even coercing, others. Rather, it involves polite requests on our behalf.
Assertiveness includes active listening.
Active listening promotes a positive conversation, including mutual understanding and empathy. Both parties take each other’s perspectives and show concern and care through giving full attention.
Assertiveness is more than just words — it’s about showing up authentically and calmly.
Assertive communication enables us to communicate authentically and calmly from our true self. It is about showing up for ourselves — sharing our needs, wants, and boundaries — to create peace for ourselves and be understood by others. Speaking from our true self not only calms our own nervous system, but projecting calm and trust also puts others at ease.
How to communicate assertively
Assertive communication is a skill that can be learned and improved. The good thing is that you can start practicing it right away. Focus on progress and start small to gradually build confidence.
1. Think about what you *really* want to convey.
Define your boundaries and needs — and think about them if you need until you feel you have sufficient clarity and they resonate with you intuitively. Most importantly there is no urgency, focusing on getting perspective first supports clarity and speaking from a position of clarity eases getting your points across.
2. Practice active listening.
Temporarily set aside your own perspective and dial into the other person’s needs, wants, and concerns. Invite others to share their thoughts and feelings and make sure you understand through repeating, confirming, and labeling. “What I heard you say…”, “I am hearing you say….”, “I see that this is bothering you. Would you like to say a bit more about it?”, “Help me understand…”, “What would you like to do about this?”. Don’t interrupt. Don’t talk over. Be respectful and open.
3. Speak gently but clearly.
Watch the tone of your voice and the speed at which you speak, and pay attention to your facial expression. Speak with kindness but with clarity. Display a relaxed and open body posture.
4. Use “I” statements.
Focus on your own needs and perspective “I need …”, “I feel…”, “I see…” and ask inviting questions. Avoid using accusatory and blaming phrases such as “You always…”. If you feel the conversation may become heated, request a pause.
5. Reflect on related skills that can improve your assertiveness.
Self-trust, self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth, displaying curiosity and openness, along with clarity on our needs, boundaries, and emotions are all related skills that help us communicate more calmly and assertively. Visualizing potential negative consequences and feelings of not asserting your needs — conflict, anger, and resentment — may motivate us to practice assertiveness.
6. Daunted ahead of the conversation? Practice power pose.
In his book “Never get Angry again” David J. Lieberman cites Harvard University Research showing a connection between body language and the release of hormones. Higher levels of testosterone increase feelings of self-confidence while our ability to deal with anxiety and stress is improved by lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. His suggestion? Practice an open and relaxed power pose such as Wonder Woman for just two minutes to prep your hormone levels and get yourself in the right mindset for the conversation.
Others’ perception of us is not only shaped by what we say, but also how we say it, when we say it and where we say it. Next time you hesitate to express yourself, visualize yourself relaxed and calm, and ask: How can I show up assertively?